Help Fight Donut Abuse
by Law Enforcement Officers

About this Form How many times have you heard the expression, "Need a Cop? Call a 7-11!" How many times have you seen a cop who was so overweight you wanted to make him chase you to see if you could out run him, and you were wearing a cast on your leg? How many times have you pulled into your local convienience store only to find that the police had occupied all the parking spaces, bought all the donuts, and drank all the coffee? This is a serious issue. The law enforcement officals who are sworn to fight the war on drugs and make everyone a criminal are themselves victims of a horrible drug combination: caffeine and sugar (powdered sugar usually but sometimes in its jellied form). And then we give them guns and fast cars. This is a recipe for trouble! But there is something you can do to help them break free! Turn them in! That's right - just like they want you to do to your friends and family! Fill out the form below and we'll go find the officer and attempt to help his addiction through education and love. (which is a far cry from the hassle you get for ingesting much safer, less addictive and more mellow alternatives.) The information requested below will help citizens address the problem of Donut Abuse and donut trafficking in your neighborhood by law enforcement officials - so please complete as much of the information as possible. This information will be forwarded to the Federal Donut Abuse Division and posted on this WEB site. Remember that all information will be held in STRICT CONFIDENCE. Thank you for helping us help you. Officer's Name Badge Number (if the badge isn't covered with jelly) Age Sex Male Female Fat Race White Black Black-Hispanic Rotund White-Hispanic Amer. Ind./Alask. Nat. Asian/Pacific Islander Height Weight Skinny Normal Chubby Fat Michelin Man Sumo Describe the Police Car City/Town Precinct Plate No. Are the Shocks shot? Location Where Donuts Are Being Sold Dunkin' Donut 7-11 Cumberland Farms Krispy Kreme Other Address of Donut Dealers Types of Donuts Seen Jelly Boston Creme Plain Cruellers Are police dogs being fed donuts? No Yes If So, Please Describe (This is necessary to report to the SPCA) Are There Any Lookouts No Yes Days of Week with Heaviest Traffic Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Hours of Day with Heaviest Traffic AM: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 PM: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 Where Do the Sellers Hide Their Donuts Additional Information or Comments Click to complete your report Click to restore all defaults You can also report illegal donut information by: Calling 1-800-jelly-44 Mailing information to Chicago Police Department Disorganized Crime Division 11021 S. State Street, Room 1903 Chicago, Illinois 60605021