http://news.newstimeslive.com/story.php?id=82246&channel=Home%20&%20Family

Fighting for gay marriage

By Eileen FitzGerald
THE NEWS-TIMES

The gracious old white house in Danbury echoed with the gleeful laugh of 4-year-old triplet boys. Its inviting kitchen showed signs of a weekend dinner party that would include the famed chicken wings of homeowner Robin Howell.

Howell's partner, Deborah Neumayer, was working in her job as a research scientist at IBM and their 6-year old daughter was in kindergarten.

What is missing from the 18-year-old partnership, with its traditional routines and growing brood, is a marriage certificate, something the two women are working to change.

So Howell and Neumayer agreed to host a dinner for about 30 people last night. It was to be one of many fund-raising dinners held for "Love Makes a Family," a statewide organization that advocates for gay marriage.

"For me, it's a gentle reminder to people that the rights are not equal even though we are living in Danbury with a couple of kids living such a traditional life," Howell said. "What I would like to see changed in a perfect world is that in every state across the union gay marriage wouldn't be an issue."

April 20 is the first anniversary of the Connecticut state law that allows civil unions between same-sex couples. That influenced the timing of the statewide fund-raiser.

"There are so many little details in one's life that are affected by the terminology of civil union versus marriage,'' Howell said. "As a gay person in a relationship, my responsibility is to have all the appropriate forms all the time. If we cross state lines, I have no rights.''

Nationally, conservative groups are working hard to ban same-sex marriages. They argue that gay marriages redefine marriage and can destroy the moral fiber of the country.

So far, Connecticut and Vermont are the only two states with civil unions, which was a legal compromise Vermont devised when pushed for same-sex marriage in 2000. California recognizes a less broad type of union called a domestic partnership, and New Jersey has an even less inclusive version of domestic partnership.

Civil unions provide most of the state's rights and protections according to Love Makes a Family, but not the many significant federal benefits such as access to a spouse's Social Security, tax benefits, automatic health benefits and immigration status.

There is no guarantee that civil unions will be recognized beyond the states where they are performed so there is confusion and insecurity of not knowing. It's unlikely other states would recognize civil unions for such rights as hospital visitation and medical decision-making for a seriously ill or incapacitated spouse.

And a partner might not have automatic rights of inheritance when no will exists, or the obligation to pay child support, custody or visitation rights.

Howell and Neumayer have been together for 18 years. Howell graduated from Smith College and is trained as a nurse and bookbinder but now stays home with the children. Neumayer, 43, has a bachelor's degree from Tufts University and a doctorate from Northwestern University and works as a research scientist at IBM.

The couple were married in Massachusetts three years ago. Massachusetts is the only state to allow same-sex marriages. Canada and Spain are among five countries that recognize same-sex marriages. But last week, the Massachusetts court ruled that the marriages of out-of-staters, like theirs, were null and void.

So, while the couple do not have a civil union in Connecticut, they have all the legal protections afforded by one. They have the documents that protect their interests as a couple, from living wills to powers of attorney and Neumayer adopted the children. They carry their paperwork with them so they'll have rights if something happens in another state.

They said civil union just doesn't have the meaning of marriage.

"It's easier to say married. It's an understood word. There is the understanding that there is a commitment there. Marriage implies all that,'' Neumayer said.

"It's simply a matter of safety and dignity and respect, not just for us, but for our children,'' Howell said. "Marriage is what we grow up thinking about. Not to be civil unionized. There is the awe of the marriage act, that comfort of being married and those subtle things that go with a marriage."

Love Makes a Family was started in Connecticut in 1999 to advocate for a law to allow same-sex couples to adopt. The group moved onto working for same-sex marriages once the adoption bill passed in 2000. The organization is independent though most states have marriage equity groups.

The civil union law was signed by Gov. M. Jodi Rell April 20 and implemented Oct. 1, 2005.

"It's a step in the right direction,'' said Anne Stanback, executive director of Love Makes a Family. It provides partners in civil unions access to many rights protections and responsibilities of civil marriage.

"Marriage is more than equal rights. It's the fundamental institution in our society. It's an institution everyone understands,'' Stanback said.

Stanback predicts that over time there will be a patchwork work of compromises across the country that address the issue of same-sex marriage.

"At the end of the day the issue will come before the Supreme Court and they will be asked to unify what is a confusing system,'' she said.

And just as the court realized when it ruled to allow interracial marriages, it will see that by creating the system of civil unions for a separate group of people ­ gays­ it will see that separate is not equal, she said.

Love Makes a Family has both gay and straight individuals and organizations that support it, she said.

"The more people that discuss this issue over the dinner table or in the legislature, the more they feel there is nothing to fear," Stanback said.

Howell said the couple and their four children are lucky to be part of a wonderful neighborhood in Danbury and feel lucky to be in Connecticut, where they have lived for 10 years. She said she's found that Connecticut has open-minded residents.

"They are willing to open themselves,'' Howell said. "That's what's important. I'd like to think we are headed in this world to a place of tolerance, not intolerance."

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For more information about Love Makes a Family, visit their Web site at www.lmfct.org

Contact Eileen FitzGerald

at eileenf@newstimes.com

or (203) 731-3333.