January 31, 2005

SpongeBob, Tinky Winky caught kissing!

By Beth Quinn
Times Herald-Record
bquinn@th-record.com

The Homosexuality Detection Squad has been working overtime these past couple of weeks.

First, SpongeBob SquarePants got outed at a black-tie inaugural dinner. Christian-rights activist James Dobson told the stunned celebrants, including some members of Congress, that the popular cartoon character is starring in a "pro-homosexuality" video.

For those of you unfamiliar with SpongeBob, he's a buck-toothed, nebbishy kid who lives in a pineapple under the sea. Three-year-olds love him. Me, too.

But now Dobson, who heads a conservative group called Focus on the Family, says SpongeBob SquarePants is really SpongeBob QueerPants. You may recall that Jerry Falwell did the same thing a few years back when he outed Tinky Winky the Teletubby. (It's rumored that muppets Bert and Ernie are gay, too, but that's never been substantiated.)

The SpongeBob issue has become a burning one because the little yellow guy is now starring in a video created by the We Are Family Foundation. And – horror of horrors – the video advocates tolerance! There are even endorsements for it from dangerous people like the Girl Scouts – so anything could happen, really.

The Homosexuality Detection Experts see the gay bogeyman in "code words" like tolerance and diversity because such words imply respect for those with beliefs or characteristics different from our own.

Can't have that going on now, can we?

In fact, another conservative group jumped on the bandwagon last week, arguing that school children are entitled to make fun of their gay classmates.

For those who weren't aware of it, last week was "No Name-Calling Week" in our middle schools. The program's centerpiece is a children's book, "The Misfits," which features four much-taunted kids who run for the student council on a platform advocating an end to nasty name-calling.

One of the book's "misfits" is a gay kid, which makes sense. After all, the word "faggot" is the most frequently hurled taunt in school hallways.

But conservative critics say that No Name-Calling Week is a "stealth" gay program, sneaking in the crazy idea that, not only is it OK to be gay, but we should actually be nice to gay kids.

Robert Knight, director of Concerned Women for America's Culture and Family Institute, reasons that hey, if a kid is a faggot, then the other kids shouldn't be made to feel that they're bigots for calling him one.

I have only one question. Why is a group of Concerned Women headed by a man? Is he wearing a dress or something?

Knight certainly has support in some quarters. In Colorado, where lawmakers rejected a proposal to declare a statewide "No Name-Calling Week," House Majority Leader Keith King has an different idea. Instead of teaching all kids tolerance, he says we should be teaching gay kids the Christian virtue of turning the other cheek when someone calls them "faggot."

My, my. How much more upside down can we get?

With Bush's re-election, conservative Christians have declared it open season on gays. The discussion has quickly gone from "should gays be allowed to marry" to "should gays be allowed to attend school without getting beat up."
The answer, according to these fine, upstanding citizens who are leading the charge, appears to be no.

The only bright spot here is that they're spending an inordinate amount of time outing cartoon characters. So I say, let's keep them distracted. The following is a special hint to the Homosexuality Detection Experts:

I don't know for sure about SpongeBob, but you might want to take a closer look at his pal Patrick, the pink starfish. Do you think it's an accident that he has a head shaped like a penis?!

Run with it, babes.

Beth Quinn's column appears on Monday. Talk to her at 346-3147 or at bquinn@th-record.com.

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